An awkward conversation

I had to explain to someone why I felt it necessary to slice myself to pieces. I had to describe why I was feeling so bad I had to make myself bleed. People never tire of asking yet I exhaust myself of having to explain even once. People often don’t understand how someone who was feeling so good 2 weeks ago can now feel so bad that they can’t possibly go on. Back to long sleeves and excuses. Back to stained clothing and sharpener screws. Back to hurting and crying.

I’m not well. Too many people are trying to convince me I’m not ill enough and are trying to push my boundaries. You need to understand that my limit and tolerance isn’t high anymore and you knock me off the edge so fucking quickly.

I’m too alone in my head and my bad day goes from a really bad day to a bloodbath. It goes from a slight criticism to you but all I hear is “You’re a worthless piece of shit”.

This is raw – I’m always sugar coating it “I’ve relapsed” “I’ve done something silly” “I’m bad again” that’s the problem people find it a joke when phrased like that. How about I sliced myself to pieces and there’s no skin left? How about I look like I’ve been mauled by a wild animal? How about I’ve self harmed till the point of no return?

Is that easier for you to understand? Have you stopped laughing yet? This goes out to those that find our conversations too awkward because they’re consisting of how shit things are for you but neglect to realise that they’re just as shit for me.

I didn’t want to ever be this brutal but some people seem to forget that it’s not this glorified fashion statement some make it out to be. Its serious and people need your help before it is too late.

#mentalhealthawareness

–@thegirlwithabipolarmind

LOST

I’ve followed every map everyone has given me, every path and direction I’ve been given. So why do I still feel so lost? I’ve got a job I absolutely adore. Friends (not many but that’s who I am) and a chosen family). Yet my ideation is still so real and heightened. The thoughts are still there and I don’t really know how to cope with that.

I guess as an explanation I was given help to find myself and now I fear losing myself again. Sometimes I think that some people were put on this earth for a reason and then sometimes like me.. people were trialled on this earth but meant for other things. Someone once told me that if the urge was strong enough then nothing or no-one could stop me and I guess that sunk in a little too much to the point where I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve always held people up and looked after people. Built them up and cared for them and I guess throughout that time period I realised that I’ve never been looked after and I don’t know how to look after myself. I don’t know how to live a healthy lifestyle.

I think I swore when I started blogging that it would be all rainbows and butterflies and I’d again be writing everything to help other people but I can’t do that if I’m not honest.

My thoughts are back and they’re bad. But I’m just not sure what to do about it. I wonder if I’m just playing a waiting game. Battling against everything that’s happened and everything I’ve been through.

There is so much I still haven’t shared. Even with people I love so very dearly and people whom I hold extremely close to my heart. In my wrongly wired brain that is to protect them and keep them safe, but that’s something I know I will have to face and something I still am going to continue living through very soon.

I’m not sure of exactly the consequences of what is coming and hell I don’t even know I’ll make this one out alive but if I know one thing for sure, it is that I am forever greatful for every living moment I’ve been treasured with. I can’t change any of the bad stuff. The trauma, the pain, the suffering, the hurt, the non-existent family, the battle between myself and self harm, myself and the world. But I think that it’s time to accept that some people are stronger than others and some people have more of a fight left in them.

Goodnight.

-thegirlwithabipolarmind

I don’t know when I’ll be ready

It’s been a while. Feels like forever and I am sorry.

So much has happened in such a small amount of time. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about most of it. I’ve not even had therapy for the most of it yet so definately not ready to share it all.

What I am ready to say is I have been very lucky.. for a little while now I have been staying with some friends who have been my saviours. I don’t think they quite realise what they have done. They have given me two months of normal. Two months of happiness. Two months of life. There aren’t enough thank you’s in the world to give them. To be looked after, to be given stability and kindness is something I’ve not had. Until now. I’ve had bad days, yes. But for the best part I felt ordinary and that is something that I will never ever forget. To be part of a family for once was incredible. To be cared about and loved is something that I strangely grasped onto quickly. I’m so scared to let go of that. But I am so thankful. I always believed I never deserved the treatment they have given me in this time. What they have done is remarkable and without them during this time of grief and heartbreak for many different issues, I wouldn’t be here. That’s not just an off the cuff remark but it is very true. I wouldn’t be here. I thank them from the bottom of my heart. I’ve also developed a friendship with the young warrior of the family who I am extremely proud of and hopefully she reads this and takes those words in. I will be here come rain or shine for you.

I need you all to know how much you mean to me and everything you’ve done to make me feel wanted and cared for.

It’ll stay with me forever.

@thegirlwithabipolarmind

What day and age do people think we’re living in?

So I’m scrolling through Facebook right.. first thing I come across is a post from a friend of mine. Lovely lady – kind heart and has two beautiful and sweet boys. I read the comments and she proceeds to say how her SEVEN year old son was called a N**** by another child at school.

Firstly, why is this still a thing? We live in the year 2018. It’s a new day and age which should be made of love and acceptance. Not looked down on for skin colour or origin. I’m not ok with that. What on earth was the point to all of the historic men and women who fought for equality and change? Rosa Parks fought for black lives and to cut down on racial barriers. Martin Luther King fought to overturn discrimination and we will forever remember him for the speeches he made that have now gone down in history. Nelson Mandela who bought together a nation that was once divided.

The black men and women who will forever be a part of our history because they did the things that 50 years ago couldn’t have been done. Just to name a few, Mohammed Ali, Usain Bolt, Michael Jordan, Ida Wells, Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Whoopi Goldberg.

Do not tell me EVER that black lives do not matter. Do NOT tell me that it is normal it ok to call a 7 year old a N****. It is not.

His skin colour does not mean anything other than something that he should be proud of. We all bleed blood the same damn colour. We all have a heart that beats and a brain that thinks. So I suggest that you all educate your children and the people around you to let them know that this is not ok. This is not acceptable. It will never be acceptable.

Can’t you see that it is not ok to treat people like this? You can’t discriminate on someone because of their skin colour. Or anything else for that matter.

Just a note for the boys – be proud of yourselves darlings. You are beautiful inside and out and I’m proud of you. I know you shouldn’t have to but you will overcome this and be the stronger ones for it. If you’re anything like your mummy you’re about to tear down walls and conquer the world!!

#blacklivesmatter

– @thegirlwithabipolarmind

Don’t let them ruin your entire life.. it gets better.

Y’alrightttttt (said in the most Essex accent ever).

So much has happened and I haven’t blogged in a while.. I’ll be blogging a lot more now 😊

So I have a job… 😮 like went for an interview, got all my certificates out kind of job.. and I got it 😄 I actually feel very proud of myself. Just because you’re mentally ill or faced trauma and a bunch of shit DOES NOT mean you’re incapable of getting a job or maintaining a decent life for yourself. You need to forget even for a second about other people and be a tad selfish.. you need to think about yourself and what you want out of your own life first. How can you help other people? How can you physically and mentally be there for people when you need to take care of yourself too. You can’t.

When I took some time out in Tendring because of what I was going through and took 6 months off sick I was devastated. I thought up until recently I had no hope of getting a career I enjoyed and was passionate about. I thought what happened had ruined me and my life but it didn’t/hasn’t. I’m bettering myself every single day. I’m making my life better with the help of people around me. I’m improving and bettering myself. I cannot wait for what life is going to throw at me… no I am not “fixed” but I am stronger than I was before. I am ready for the next journey of my life and I’m ready to prove all the barstards wrong who said I couldn’t do it wrong.

P.s thanks for the ramblings of an old man giving me some fucking motivation to speak up.. (shock it took so long for this Essex bird to speak though.. normally she don’t shut up) 😂😏

– thegirlwithabipolarmind

Even in the darkest of places, the light of you shines through.

I never ‘became’ a writer. I had it within my heart and soul and suddenly it started seeping through my veins one day. I tried so hard to keep it in. I was in an era that poetry/writing wasn’t ‘cool’.

I can’t keep it in anymore. I can write about pain and trauma. I can go to the ends of the earth to write about things that physically and mentally have scarred me. But I’ve always struggled to write about love. Love is such a funny, misunderstood thing. When you know, you know. I’ve allowed things in my past to be shadowed by my love for people. I have allowed abuse, shame and victimisation to cloud my judgements and hurt me.

So when it comes to gentle, warm and compassionate love. I know only the feeling that it cannot possibly exist.

My point is.. when you find someone who, like you, writes. When they choose to put their powerful words in form about you. That is when a writer truly feels love. I can’t honestly explain the real bitter sweet feeling of someone finding inspiration through all the brokenness of your soul. That is what I find attractive.

To live in a world of hatred and violence and misery. To go through day feeling you have no purpose. But then experiencing someone else’s beautifully balanced words to describe exactly why you belong on this earth. That is why I need to exist.

I never ever dreamed or imagined that anyone could ever find me beautiful or worth it. Especially with my list of mental health issues. But I received a poem that made me cry and smile and warmed me throughout my being.

Here it is…

Heart melts heart stops
Girl meets girl drops
Suitcase to be picked up
Life in a case

I ask myself why she leaves in such haste?

Girl hurt and fears harm
I know all she needs is a loving arm
A place to be place to stay
One more fucking chance to get away

She finds it she’s safe and In the right place
A moment to gather her thoughts and feel safe

The laughter it comes but yet at a price
Finding it strange that people are nice

Your safe in our world now you have found where to be
Do you know why?

It’s just you and me.

I am a mess but I am a wanted mess. For that there are no words. None that need to be spoken. But I finally have a bit of self worth and need to be here, on this earth.

– @thegirlwithabipolarmind

I just want to tell you, you’re alive and that’s what matters. You’re doing okay.

I know it’s hard. I know more than anything how hard it is. But if you are reading this then you are alive. That is what matters most of all. You’re doing okay.

Never think that it isn’t enough. Look how far you’ve come. Never forget that. All the times that you have pushed through the bad times and you are still here. All the nights you have cried yourself to sleep and woken up, powered through it and got yourself up from bed. All the times you have held yourself together with the rope you wanted to also end your life with and didn’t. You are worthy. You are doing okay.

Out of all the times you wanted to give up.. and you haven’t. You’re still here.

I am so fucking proud of you.

I still have my bad days. Like everyone but I am proud of myself. That through it all. All the tears and the coping mechanism’s. I am still here. Still fighting. Still alive. I’m doing okay and that’s what matters.

– thegirlwithabipolarmind

Sexual Assault Awareness Month

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. It’s a month where people should be allowed to speak out about their pasts and pain.

There’s a stigma around the sorts of people who get sexually assaulted. People label them with reasons why they believe they have been attacked. People are assaulted every single day. People of all genders, of all ages and sexual orientation. Nothing stops a predator.

So DO NOT fucking preach to me about what she was wearing. DO NOT preach to me about the fact he’s a ‘pussy’ for being attacked.

DO NOT tell me you think it’s fucking acceptable.

I did not get this far to get justice on the man who sexually assaulted me to be told that I should get over it. I did not go through all this pain and hurt to be told it is my fault. Have a bit of consideration for those around you. Nearly half a million people are sexually assaulted a year. That’s just the statistics Rape Crisis are able to report. Have some compassion.

When someone tells you they have been sexually assaulted do not drop them, do not laugh or joke about it. The matter isn’t funny. Show some support and some compassion and help them. You could be the only person in this reality to save them from themselves and their memories.

Awareness should be made everyday but if I’m being given the chance to speak out as it’s April I will do so.

#SAAM

-Thegirlwithabipolarmind

Pain is inevitable, what the fuck do I do?

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I have been stuggling ever so much lately. I didn’t want to bring our boat down when my body has become an anchor. A deep pit of sadness. I smile, I pretend and I have this cycle if doing that again and again. I am tired. I’m tired of the comments or lack of. That’s right, there are people who I thought were friends who have forgotten my existence. People who I have laughed with, cried with, worked with and let down my guards for. That fucking hurts.

I think what’s hardest is the lack of ability I have to do things. I have learnt that people don’t care. They don’t care what you’re going through or what you have been through but when push comes to shove, you’re out.

Every time I think I have made a positive move something else comes along and that is inevitable. I’m struggling to cope with my ‘new life’. I love the people around me but I’m struggling to move on from my old life when I’m still stuck in the past. Im struggling to watch the people I have loved and lost, love their life, whilst I am destroying mine. But what people don’t understand is that I am stood in my own black grave whilst everyone around me piles soil down on top.

I am hurting and I don’t quite know how to stop it. People talk. But they don’t use words. Not the real ones anyway. I can bet your bottom dollar I have been the topic of many conversations, mostly negative and how disappointing it is for someone to let go of everything she created and everything she held dear. But actually, try having that taken from you. Try having that taken on multiple occasions. Try coming back from that.

I still have secrets close to my heart that nobody knows. I still have things I haven’t shared. I think I’m scared. I have opened up to too many people who have walked away. Too many people that have promised to not judge me and then have judged me. I am scared to let my guard down anymore than I already have because I have trusted people who can’t even say goodbye to me. People that can’t even message me back. Why the fuck should I trust anyone when my whole world has been full of liars, cheaters, rapists, abusers and just people who I can’t trust. So I do find it hard to trust anyone and my head tells me that everyone I meet is one of the above.

I don’t really know what I’m talking about. To be honest I am hurting more than I can visibly show. Or clearly explain. I am hurting and I don’t know how to reach out. I laugh when I want to cry and I joke when I want to die. That’s how I am. But because of that, no-one knows or realises that this is real life. Mental health is serious guys. I am scared. It does hurt and I am tired.

Bleurgh.

-thegirlwithabipolarmind

Once upon a time…

Fairy tales aren’t for real life. Nobody gets a good life without experiencing the bad first. Some people are unfortunate to only get the bad, or they get too much bad to outweigh the good.

Someone once told me that there is reasoning for every bad thing that happens and that a good life will come if you fight through the bad. But what if you’re tired of fighting. When you work hard to build you life to have people destroy it in seconds. What do you do then? What possesses people to keep going? To keep fighting?

I have lost my purpose. I’ve lost my ability to live a life. I am surviving but not living.

How do I ask for help without begging? How do I ask for help without being annoying, when I constantly feel annoying. People abandon you. They let you down and they make you feel worthless and unwanted. After today I don’t know who is real and who isn’t. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know where to go to ask for help and I am blindsighted. I have people around me but my mind wants to push them away. My mind convinces me I’m being used and really I’m worthless.

I was told that there was a part of me who didn’t want to die. When I speak my passions and I’m smiling and having a genuinely good time people can see the part of me that wants survival. But because of this part people underestimate the other part of me. The part of me that doesn’t want this. To be here. To survive.

When you feel like you have no purpose that’s when you start to question what the fuck you are doing in this world.

I’m out x