Please Mind The Gap.

Earlier this evening. – 03.11.2017

Evening my lovelies,

Today has been a whole roller-coaster of emotions, lets start by stating that I had to do trains (if you have anxiety you will know what I mean). The whole hustle and bustle.. screaming children, shoving, barging, people talking to you etc etc. Its something I cant deal with. I found it a lot easier on my outward journey than I did my inward.

I have always had this immense fear of disappointing people. Especially when i’m always trying my hardest not to disappoint others. I had made arrangements to see my ISVA and my therapist today which meant that Anxiety really had to eff off no matter how bad so I could get there and not disappoint them. (Shout out to my lovely ladies for making me feel that little bit better).

Anyway today has been hectic and non stop. On the plus side there was a gap in between appointments which worried me as it meant I had to wait around in a busy town center on my own… (again, not my fortè) I managed to dive through the town with my ISVA and she introduced me to a little book store.. one of them really cute ones you see in the movies. I spent my hours in there admiring all the books and poetry, then I imagined that could be me some day. When and not If I get better that could be me.

I’ve always loved writing, ever since I was little. As my therapist said to me today ‘Everyone has a book in them and you my lovely have an experience to share.’ My poetry as of late has been very intimate and something which I’m not ready to share publicly as of yet but when I do you guys will be some of the first to get to experience that. However ill I may be at this present time doesn’t change that I do have a dream just like other people. Mine will just take a little bit more hard work to get there and I will need a little more convincing to believe I can achieve that.

My journey home on the trains were much more eventful My Mental Health did take a slight detour and I ended up on the floor experiencing a flashback and then two panic attacks. Unfortunately for me there were bystanders and whilst some do intend to try to help it heightens the fear within me. The normal feelings after something like that is embarrassment and shame, because I have not fully learnt how to deal with that part of my illnesses yet. I am channeling my inner therapist though and she would tell me ‘It is okay to feel like that but I will tell you it isn’t true’.

I took the above picture afterwards when I had regained my balance. It was dark out and everything around me was silent. I walked toward the platform edge. Tips of my feet hanging off and just stood looking ahead. But for those few moments something told me that it wasn’t going to end like this. I did shuffle backward and look at my surroundings and notice a sense of familiarity with what could have been and what was. See my train arrived no more than two minutes later and suddenly I felt an urge to cry. Not for my own well being but for others.

Right now I am keeping somewhat strong for those around me that I love and that love me. Sometimes it can be hard to see but it is there. I cant change what has happened. I can’t mold what will happen in the near future as it will not be my decision but one day I hope that if I stand on the platform edge I will back away not just for the people I love but for me and my health being too.

One day I will have a book on the bookshelf I hunted through today and one day someone else would have read this and reconsidered there steps on the platform edge.

Until then, here I am. Always here, for every pair of eyes that read this.

Stay strong, Stay focused, Stay with me.

Inner Demons

Hi everyone, I would like to apologise now for my lack of postage. As you can imagine by my whole blog I’ve not been doing great lately. I am really struggling and just trying to get through each day.

I have just had a therapy session and am feeling a little emotional. The problem with PTSD is that the trauma tries to link itself to every avenue possible. I had bulimia as a teenager and one of the things that my mind is clinging to lately is my eating disorder coming back. I am really struggling with it at the moment and it’s something I’m definitely worried about it having a strong affect on my life.

I’m struggling with my inner demons and trying to find a way out and in just a few words the way out isn’t always the safe option.

I wish I could explain the pain and the demons that I have within. I wish people could see that I am in pain and the pain that this is causing my life.

Things have been destroyed. Everything. Work. Home. Friends. Family. Destroyed.

One thing I will say is that it will get better. Although it doesn’t feel like it will. It will. I mean it can’t get any worse can it?

Fuck it.

Fuck PTSD.

Remember guys,

Stay strong, stay closed, stay with me.

I’ll update soon my lovelies x

My body is my temple and he wasn’t invited in

Evening everyone,

I’m not sure about anyone else but I have read a hell of a lot of articles about RAPE and ASSAULT lately. Everyone’s got this big idea that it happens when a really drunk girl walks down a really dark alleyway at night and ends up victimised by a complete stranger. – yes whilst this does happen statistics from 2010 actually show 75% of women that are raped/sexually assaulted were victimised by people they trust/know.

I don’t think everyone understands the complexity of what the future of a victim entails. Whilst the actual incident is beyond words; horrifying and grim the follow up of it is just as bad. If you haven’t yet read my previous posts on PTSD etc, please do.

There is this massive stigma around what a ‘victim’ should look and be like and I cannot stress how wrong that is. For real, we all walk about with the same shirt on don’t we?

Everyone who gets attacked will be seen in a short dress, yeah but she had her boobs out, yeah but she likes sex, oh it was only assault it wasn’t rape, ok it was bad but its been 10 months now get over it.

NO.

Oh wait, that was a no ^ NO MEANS NO. What actually is consent anyway? Does being drunk mean yes? Or wearing a low cut dress? Oh but how about pyjamas? What if they were asleep?

See, I get it. People only really think about an attack if its on the front page of a news paper. I see you all, reading the Daily Mail in your lunch breaks at your desks. Look a little furthur at your colleague or your friend. Take a closer interest in your brother or your sister or at your daughter. I was never taught how to defend myself. I was taught not to dress provocatively or leave my drink around because I’d be raped or assaulted. I was never taught not to trust any man that came into my life, just in case. Maybe if it was taught in schools, not for people to save themselves of being attacked, but taught why being an attacker is wrong, maybe the fucking statistics would drop.

I’m sorry but what narcissistic dickwads decided that rape and assault was the victims fault?

Even when you’ve survived the truely soul destroying incident, you’re left with the mental scars. Even then when you’re trying to live your life the best you can, even when you know, you’re sticking out like a sore thumb. ‘Sneaking’ off to therapy sessions on a Friday afternoon but hoping your colleagues don’t think badly of you or living more at the doctors than at home.

Because rape and assault aren’t just rape and assault. It’s not just one time, one incident. It’s a whole lifetime sentence.

Tell me that trusting someone means they suddenly gain entry to the one thing that is solely yours, your body. Tell me that because I’m a feminist I should be strong enough to fight an attacker away. Tell me that it isn’t rape or assault if the words no didnt come out of the victims mouth.

Go on, tell me.

I’ll wait.

Sick of all the rape articles? There wouldn’t be so many articles if there wasn’t so much material to base it on.

– Stay strong, stay focused, stay with me

 

 

 

It’s not just a nightmare

Hello my lovelies,

So I have been put on new medication Quetiapine, trust me when I say it knocks me out. I’m on quite a high dosage but, this stuff knocks me out 3 minutes after taking it. The Quetiapine is an anti-psychotic drug that is meant to help me with all the things that my PTSD and other illnesses cause.

Lets just add that I have trialed and tested most of the anti-depressents and anti-psychotics that are on the market. I clearly haven’t agreed with them either. This new medication seems to be only helping with the sending me to sleep and not keeping me in la la land. I’ve also noticed that the suicidal thoughts are more intense and worse than ever.

*Please note that I do not feel the need to act on these thoughts and if any of my readers do, please contact your nearest helplines*

One of my main reasons for reacting quite well with the Quetiapine is that with PTSD comes night terrors. Night Terrors are flashbacks that seem much more real as you become more vunerable in your sleep. Night terrors are also on the same level as sleepwalking as it can cause other things like injuries etc.

Some people, whilst not always meaning to, use the phrases ‘it’s just a nightmare, it’s not real, it’s all better now you’re awake’ but in actual fact, night terrors are mostly flashbacks of something that’s already occurred. You replay it, exactly as it has happened previously but in your mind whilst asleep. This is one of the most horrific things not just for yourself but for your partner etc. Unfortunately there aren’t any ‘cures’ for the things that happen whilst you go through certain proceedings. My reasons for my PTSD aren’t over, even though it has been 10 months. Even though it’s been just under a year since I had been subjected to one of the most painfully draining and undignified incidents and I’ve now learnt that I cant get over that until my mind has been able to process that. I can’t do that fully until after February.

I will share with you something that some may shy away from reading, the flashbacks I have in my night terrors are mainly replays as such of what happened. Whilst I am also being given the joy *note sarcasm* of nightmares in which I am experiencing what could have been and what I was ‘lucky’ (not the best word) to escape from.

Whilst it is not do-able to just keep yourself awake or stop yourself from having these awful things. It is something that I know I have a 99% chance of having to go through that when my head hits the pillow. PTSD is horrific. PTSD is a 24/4 hour illness and even if you want to go to sleep to get away from it you can’t. It is still there haunting you without you being awake to fully control it.

If you do start experiencing night terrors, please, please, please tell your doctors, your mental health workers or other support agencies. I understand how absolutely terrifying it is. But we will get there. Im still on this journey with all of you and with team work, out boat will sgay afloat.

Remember stay stong, stay focused, stay with me.

– thegirlwithabipolarmind

We cant be friends, you might fancy me…

Afternoon everyone,

I’ve actually been really excited to do this post. One of the main reasons that I wanted to do this blog was not only for Mental Health awareness but also because I wanted people to have a safe place. Somewhere to come and read that actually no they are not on their own.

If you haven’t yet read any of my previous pages I should probably inform you now that I am gay.. (a lesbian shhhh 😉 )

I think I first knew I was gay when I was about 8? I mean I always knew there was something different about me. I will say different and not weird. I eat marmite on chips, thats weird. Im gay, that my lovelies is not weird. The boyfriends I did have growing up were never serious and if they appeared to be it was because of the way sexuality at the time, was perceived. It was a cover, of who I really was. I wasn’t ashamed of my sexuality as such, it was those that made it out to be unatural and like you weren’t part of the same planet if you were something other than straight that I was ashamed of. I remember on one occasion, I was in year 8 possibly. I had a ‘boyfriend’ (C) if you’d call him that. This was the time roughly that I ‘came out’ (you know it, all the way from Narnia) to my bestest friend at the time. C, had some obsession with following me around the playground and walking me everywhere. I remember on this occassion C attempted to kiss me in front of all our friends. (I know, the build up in this generation was amusing) anyway, after I finally had the guts to meet him in the hallway second floor. He gave me a peck and I ran so fast away from him I am pretty sure the P.E teachers had a shock. I dont run for anything. I knew then on, there was no hiding behind false relationships and pretending you prefer Channing Tatum to Emily Blunt. (She is a beautiful human being).

Things are so different now, I don’t go out of my way to make it known, but I’m confident to put people in their place when they assume I have a boyfriend or assume my sexuality.. which by the way is effing annoying.

I remember about a year or so ago, one of my friends was in denial that I was even remotely gay. We were quite good friends in most aspects but when it came to love life and dating, the subject was always changed. It was only since my more recent relationship (I came out to my family etc, put it on Facebook *rolls eyes*) I received a text message asking if I was actually seriously gay or if it was just a phase….

Yep… I’ve been in this phase for 11 years? Yes totally.

After a few more homophobic remarks came, and the dreaded line, “we cant be friends, what if you fancy me? Ew but I’ve got dressed in front of you. We’ve had sleepovers” I decided I did not need that sort of person in my life. It wasnt necessary.

Like seriously, I don’t fancy everyone that has boobs you know. People flatter themselves too much sometimes.

I often receive remarks aimed at my looks and they then make a link to being gay. A few of the things that grind my gears are as follows;

• You’re too girly to be gay
• But wait, haven’t you had boyfriends before?
• You can’t be gay you have long hair
• But you wear pink
• You’re too pretty to be gay
• Ew, do you fancy me?
• If you’re gay why don’t you fancy me?
• It’s just a phase
• You haven’t met the right guy yet

Oh jheeze like come on? Someone tell me I’m not the only one?

Yes I am gay, yes I wear dresses and have long hair. But that doesn’t mean im not worthy of being gay.

Oh and by the way… we don’t all run around with a rainbow flag attached to us. We will wait until you’re really mean to us to do that 😉

Remember,

Stay strong, stay close, stay with me

– Thegirlwithabipolarmind

Chuck it in the fuck-it bucket.

Chuck it in the fuck-it bucket.

Evening guys, it’s rather soon since I updated last I know but I am struggling a lot at the moment so I figured what better way than to write it down on here. Just know to all you lovelies, you’re not alone.

So… I was passed the phrase ‘Chuck it in the fuck-it bucket’ by a friend and it has just kind of stuck ever since. That’s right, all your worries, all the shit. Just chuck it there.

Now I haven’t yet shared an awful lot with you guys, but I would like to say that there is a lot more to someones life than they may let on. The problem with PTSD is that you never escape from it. All day, everyday you struggle and it doesn’t stop even with your head on the pillow at night. Right now it may be a massive part of my life as it is consuming me. But it is not who I am as a person. I will not allow myself to be taken away by these monsters of the mind. See it isn’t as simple as just ‘moving on’ or ‘forgetting it’ not when it is fused inside your head.

Reliving trauma, reliving a ‘situation’ shall we say, over and over again until your mind starts to believe that it is happening again. Something that you long to forget but can’t. It’s hard to listen to those around you, those you love with all of your being, when your mind, being the very thing that is connected to your body won’t allow you to.

‘Only soldiers get PTSD after war’ I do not doubt that the bravery soldiers face each and everyday isn’t absolutely awful, because let’s face it. It is. But there are different traumas that we face which we are thrown to handle. PTSD IS BULLSHIT. It’s existence is life consuming. But I, whilst not recovered, am dealing head on and I am telling all of you that it will get better. Nobody is a miracle worker but i promise there are people out there who can and will help.

So, you know what I say? My PTSD is being thrown in the fuck-it bucket. I will keep on throwing it in there until I can say it’s done.

I woke up today after having numerous night terrors about my own funeral. Ok, mobid I know. But this was followed by flashbacks of the trauma I have faced earlier this year. I got up and dealt with it, and whilst yes, pat on the back I made it another day, I am completely bulging with self-hate, fear, anxiety and PTSD tonight. Am I going to give in? Nope. Am I about to leave this world behind? Nope. Will I wake up tomorrow and give some more fight towards this life? Yes I bloody will!!!

I know the waters are tough but I promise that it will be ok. We are closer to our destination today than we were yesterday, even if we don’t feel close enough.

Coping mechanism of the day; 

Grab a pen and notebook and write down whatever floats out of that wonderful mind that you all have. Once on paper it may start to make more sense. 

Goodnight for now.

Remember

Stay strong, stay focused, stay with me.

– thegirlwithabipolarmind

It is ALWAYS ok, to not be ok.

Hello my lovelies,

I was aiming to update sooner. As you’re aware I suffer myself with a number of different ‘illnesses’. I’m not really sure that is the correct term but we will go with that. Whilst I’m not ready to talk about the reasons for my said ‘illnesses’ I will tell you fabulous bunch about the issues I face on a daily basis.

I’m currently out of my ‘home town’ visiting some family. I have chosen to do this after I was signed off for four weeks. It has become apparant that my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) has affected me on a number of different levels; flashbacks, dissociation, night terrors, hearing voices, muscle spasms and even occasionally being so unwell I lose balance and collapse. All of these things I now have to learn a way of coping with. (However, it is not bloody easy AT ALL).

The goal was to NOT get signed off of work for all the obvious reasons. I wanted more than anything to just be able to move on from the past &very recent things that have happened and live a normal life.

But… It is ALWAYS ok to not be ok. I’m not ok. I can admit that quite freely now without being ashamed. There are so many aspects of what I’ve gone through that I am ashamed about. But not being ok, needing help and asking for it? I will not be ashamed.

See the thing is, if I broke my arm everyone would ask my story. Wouldn’t they? In primary school they would sign the cast and if you go to A&E you’ll be given a sticker for being brave and you’re colleagues would write you a card that says ‘get well soon’.

It’s not like that. Mental health that is.

I had some bad news on Tuesday… Remember that river we were all riding down? Well my boat was rocked harshly and I fell into the water. I also had a reality check that not everyone in the mental health sector is doing the job they love. Friday I was told to add a new diagnosis to my list.

Emotionally unstable personality disorder. Otherwise known as BPD.

Because if I didn’t feel crazy enough. If I didn’t feel like I had enough diagnoses, surely I have now.

Whilst I am baring all to everyone that is reading this. I want you to know that it took a lot for me to be able to do so.

Today I also found myself struggling when faced with a massive trigger. I didn’t ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ and again I froze. The flashbacks came back and I sunk to rock bottom again. See that’s the thing, it feels like a never ending cycle of not being able to cope.

I can’t cope right now. But that is ok. It is ALWAYS ok to not be ok. But I do need help riding the road to recovery. Even in the days that I feel I’ve been stopped in my tracks.

You’ll be okay my lovelies, and eventually so will I.

Ta for now

Thegirlwithabipolarmind x

 

Why am I here?

Hi,

Firstly I would like to say thanks for even clicking on my little blog platform 🙂 I know that it can be a scary thing considering stepping off of your Facebook or FIFA for five seconds.

Yes I know “Ive heard it all before” comes to mind when you think of a 19 year old girl setting up a blog talking about mental health, being gay,  being crazy.

Thats it though, isn’t it? Your definition of crazy is most certainly different to mine. Im not here to belittle anyone or scare you all into thinking you have Mental Health problems. Im not here to make you feel like you have to be gay. Im here to tell others riding the same boat down the same river that its ok, we will get to a destination together even if were not sure where that is just yet.

See even if you claim to be the happiest person known to man (or woman, lets not be sexist here), I guarantee that at one stage in your life you have googled one of the following;

• ‘Depressing quotes’
• ‘Sad songs’
• ‘Do I have Mental Health problems?’
• ‘I think Im gay’

Its ok you know? To not be okay. See sometimes things happen and trigger off the emotion or trigger the Mental Health side of things, but sometimes people are born sad – (Oooo I’ll add this here, great song)

 

Im just here.

Because somewhere in this very cold world someone is looking for that. A person, a human mind to just be there. Well thats me.

Come on board and ride this journey with me, the life inside my bipolar mind.

Stay focused, Stay with me, Stay true, Stay strong.