I think it’s time to say goodbye

Happy New Year Guys. I Hope 2018 brings you happiness, health and lots of good times.

2017 hasn’t been the most pleasant year for a various amount of reasons. I can’t use the word ‘happy’ or ‘fullfilling’. I have been through a lot of stuff that has unfortunately and I hope temporarily changed me as a person. I’m not the person my friends or family once thought I was. I’m not the strong, independent, young free willed spirit I once would have been. Well… I guess from what 2017 has thrown at me some may actually take that as strong.

I won’t be naive to say that in a handful of hours I will become this shiny, new, happy person, because I wont. I also won’t proceed to tell the whole world that things will miraculously change the minute the clock strikes midnight. my mental health and wellbeing will not fix itself just because it is seemingly a new year. Lastly I will not and can’t tell you everything will change with a new year. It’s baring on impossible.

What I will say however is that I plan on continuing to still try and fight. Fight the battles, the situation and the family and spectators who watch on when they don’t believe in me. I will also say that I plan on progressing with my blogging and start my vlogging whilst continuing my poetry.

As the clock hits midnight just remember that there are people out there who are just wishing for goals like myself. To carry on pushing. To continue to breath even when your own body wants to give up it’s fight.

My toast tonight goes to everyone like me who has had a very long 365 days. Who has taken day by day just to get through slowly. Who has battled everyone around them and everything in their way. But most importantly for those that have battled themselves. I know how hard it is to fight a fight with yourself. this whole period is tough for me for a number of different reasons.

At the moment I’m struggling with my old bulimic self. The christmas period has always been a struggle for me, consuming food that everyone else eats and crying whilst you are investment beside the toilet throwing it all back up again. In a few days time it will be a year’s anniversary to one of the most surreal and traumatic events of my adulthood. In a few days time I will understand what it’s like to mourn the death of myself. A year on the second of January I lost myself and unbeknown until recently I lost my whole life around me. ‘

It’s funny, we use the term ‘anniversary ‘ and people automatically assume the good. Sometimes it is a date or a time or event that haunts you from the moment it happened.

I think if I had to have any goals this coming year it would be to try and combat my current coping mechanisms. To not let my good old friend Ed destroy me and my body through Bulimia. To work on a healthy way to control my diet and exercise and not let my food intake control me.

I do wish everyone around me a Happy New Year and I hope that you all gain a lot of happy times.

-thegirlwithabipolarmind