When does it get better?

Does it even get better? 

Hi everyone, I’ve spent a couple of weeks attempting to write this blog post. Writing a bunch of paragraphs and deleting them again. Bringing up subjects I’d love to talk about, to then put them back in the box again. Some things are too emotional to talk about. Even if you know you need to let them out.

Scared.

My emotion at the moment is scared because I don’t know what is happening at present. I also do not know what is happening in the future. The future is scary for anyone but for me the past is scarier. The past will either make us or break us. I’m broken.

I believe that even if you break, one day you will have the ability to be pieced back together again. All the best things in life are those that were broken and regained their strength to build again.

But in the moment however, I am having a hard time trying to believe it will be ok. I’m scared. I’m completely unrecognizable. I don’t see the same girl stating back when I look in the mirror. I don’t see the same innocence I once believed was me. (I don’t actually see anything because I’m shit scared of the mirror and don’t look in it.. but that’s not the point lol).

I wish there was something I could do to change my past and reinvent my future before it expires in front of me. I want to have friends and eat breakfast and go and do normal things. I want to go to work and come back to my own beautiful home confidently. I want help. I need help.

I need help knowing how to help myself.

I have a pre trial court visit Monday and I’ve never been so scared. But what I’m more scared about is waking up tomorrow morning and not knowing what Sophie I will be. Will I wake up wishing I hadn’t? Will I wake up happy? Will I wake up planning to end my life?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. Every day is a fight. A fight for my life and a fight for freedom. A freedom I am learning to accept I deserve.

I want you all to know that you deserve freedom. You deserve redemption. You deserve the happiness intended. You deserve the right to being safe and happy.

We will get there together. I promise.

I’m here always

-thegirlwithabipolarmind x